StarCrossed Lovers
by lastjumpfalls
Summary: This is a pointless parody. Its about Lily and James in their 7th year. Its rated for language and sex related conversations. Please R and R.
1. Undying Love and Such

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything that you've read from the books.  
**

* * *

The cast is as follows:

Lily

James

Remus

Sirius

Peter

Bella/Arabella Fig (Lily's best friend)

Mary Sue (Lily's other best friend)

* * *

**_Chapter One: Undying love and Such_**  
  
This story begins in 7th year because we all know that that's the year that Lily and James hook-up.  
  
Lily: Hi Bella, Mary Sue! I've missed you guys  
  
{Insert long description of Lily's Perfectness}  
  
Bella: We've missed you too. So who is your latest boyfriend?  
  
{Insert description of how Bella is almost perfect because she can't be better then Lily}  
  
Mary Sue: Remus, cause he is so sweet. He told me that he loved me. We are Perfect for each other.  
  
{Insert description of how Mary Sue is about as perfect as Bella}  
  
Lily: Remus is cute. You know me, I will remain celibate till I find the man of my dreams.  
  
Bella: What a terrible tragedy for mankind considering how perfect you are.  
  
Lily: I know. Don't hate me because beautiful, fun-loving, smart, and a total heart throb. I know everyone can't be as great as I am.  
  
Mary Sue: _sighs_ I wish I were like you. So what about James Potter?  
  
Lily: I hate him so much, but secretly I wish I could just trip into his bed.  
  
Bella (sympathetically): I here that. I bet he could do wonders for my self- esteem. Lily: He's supposed to love me in this fic. Stop trying to still me limelight.  
  
Bella: I'm so sorry. Forgive me, please.  
  
_Bella gets down on her knees and starts kissing Lily's feet_  
  
Lily: Now that we've got that straightened out, Mary Sue, how's your relationship with Remus going?  
  
Mary Sue: There is something he isn't telling me. I just know it.  
  
Lily: Maybe its because he's a werewolf. _cough_ I mean, that's horrible. He should really talk to you.  
  
Mary Sue: I just wish I knew what the problem was.  
  
Lily: Look here he comes now, why don't you go talk to him?  
  
Mary Sue: Ok  
  
Remus: Hi! James and Sirius are coming behind me.

{Insert description of mystery man _cough_ I mean Remus}  
  
Mary Sue: Remus, can we talk?  
  
Remus: Sure

_Remus and Mary Sue go to a secluded corner_

* * *

Lily: Why does Potter have to get that close to me?  
  
Bella: Because if he didn't get that close to you then you wouldn't have that sexual tension. And if there wasn't any sexual tension then this fic would be G and that's just boring.  
  
Lily: Oh right. I knew that.........  
  
James: Aw. Lils. You're so hot and I want to fuck you because I'm a teenage boy with raging hormones and that's all I ever think about.  
  
{Insert long description of how devilishly handsome and perfect James is}  
  
Lily: OMG! Me too, but for this to work I have to seem not interested, so Ugh. Put your eyes back in. You'll only get this in your dreams.  
  
_James looks Lily up and down  
_  
James: Damn. I hate love/hate plots. They're so over rated. I'll wait for you.  
  
Lily: Ok, but plan on waiting a long time until something truly horrible happens to me that makes me vulnerable and you just happen to be the only one there at the time, so I cry on your shoulder then you kiss me.  
  
{At this point, Lily has lost everyone's attention}  
  
Then I either slap you or kiss you back, we'll cross that bridge when we get there. Unless of course, we get in a huge yelling match then my face turns the color of my hair. I don't know why, but my face always turns my hair color. During this so-called fight the sexual tension gets to be so much that it ends in either sex or just an intense make out session.  
  
James: Right... is it ok if I screw other girls while I wait?  
  
Lily: I could care less what you do in your free time, Potter.  
  
James: Good, I don't think I could go more then a week without an orgasm.  
  
Sirius: Hey Lils, Bella.

{Insert description of the schools most eligible bachelor _cough_ I mean Sirius}  
  
Arabella: I want you; I need you, Oh baby oh baby. _cough _I mean what do you want?  
  
Sirius: Ok, since I'm so hot and I've screwed all the girls in the school except you two and Mary Sue, who wants to be next?  
  
_Lily and Arabella roll their eyes  
_  
James: Lets go get an apartment, so we can snog a few girls before the train starts.  
  
Sirius: Sounds like a plan. Bye Ladies.

_Sirius and James walk off as Lily and Arabella roll their eyes again._

* * *

Meanwhile....  
  
Remus: Yes?  
  
Mary Sue: Something is wrong and you're not telling me.  
  
Remus: Ok. I'll avoid the question. Umm, how about them Tornados? They've gotten really good this year.  
  
Mary Sue: Yes they have, but you're avoiding the question.  
  
Remus: I really like their chaser. I can't tell you my secret. It's too horrible. Will you just trust me?  
  
Mary Sue: This relationship needs to be based off of you telling me your deepest darkest secret. Not trust. Even though I claim I'm in love with you, I can't trust you, so we have to break up.  
  
Remus: But I don't want to break up and neither do you, so why do we have too? I'm missing something big. I just know it.  
  
Mary Sue: Because we do.  
  
_Mary Sue runs off crying  
_

* * *

There is the first Chapter. It's dedicated to my beloved Starky. You Rock my socks girl.  
  
If there is enough interest I might finish this story. Please review if you like it. FYI: It's supposed to be stupid and pointless.


	2. Accidentally Friends

**_Chapter 2: Accidentally...Friends_**

Lily: Lets get a compartment.

Bella: Ok, where do you think Mary Sue is?

Lily: I don't care wait... I'm supposed to be sweet and sensitive. Oh my gosh we must find her just a quickly as we can.

Bella: ok, lets split up. I'll see you in our 'regular' compartment

Lily: ok, later.

Lily walks down and hears a funny smacking noise, she opens the door to find Remus and Sirius making out.

Lily: Ok... wow this story made a quick change. It's getting hard to keep up.

Remus: _blushes_

Sirius: hi Lils

Long

Prolonged

Silence

Where

You

Can

Hear

Everyone

Breathing

And

The

Floor

Creak

Even

Though

It's

A

Train

Lily: Hello. OMG! Homosexuals. Lets have a group HUG!!!!

(Bet you didn't see that coming)

Peter rolls off the luggage rack cradling a rock that has eyes and a mouth drawn out of sharpie marker.

Peter: Can I have a hug?

Lily: No, I hate you. Even though I trust you with my life one day.

Peter: Ok

Peter rips out a lock of Lily's hair, and starts stroking his rock.

Peter: My precious

Peter runs away, and no one sees him ever again (or so they wish)

Lily: Does James know about you two?

Sirius: We just told him. He's in the head compartment wallowing in his own self-despair.

Remus: He was really emotionally distraught.

Lily: Awe, poor James. Maybe I should go check on him?

Lily turned to look at Sirius, but Sirius was staring at her protruding cleavage.

Sirius: Humana Humana... you do that...

As Lily left, she distinctly heard Sirius ask Remus if he wanted a raunchy strip tease.

Lily found James sitting staring out a window with a frown on his face.

Lily: I swear you'll get to use to their special relationship.

James: But it's just weird. This is going to permanently change my views on the world.

Lily: I know how close you Sirius are, but you'll learn to love again. _Dramatic sigh while she puts her hand to her head_ I'm willing to help _dramatic pause_ you and I could be friends who lean on each other. Even though I hate your guts.

Lily all of a sudden jumps on to her imagery table, breaks into a tap dance, whilst singing. The spotlight smoothly caresses her skin in the way that only good lighting can as the tall black man sits on the piano bench; his tailored suit glistening, as he gently strokes the keys.

Lily (singing): Lean on me, when you're not strong. And I'll be your friend. I'll help you carry on. For it won't be long. 'Til I'm gonna need. Somebody to lean on

Lily finished her number with a snappy sashe then a body roll for good measure. Now she was sure she had James' full attention.

Lily: Potter you can rely on me as a friend, until our compulsive hormones get in the way.

James: Oh Lily _sobs_ it was just so sudden. You have Remus and you have Sirius. It never crossed my mind...

Lily: Come here, James.

Lily holds her arms out for James.

James: It's not Potter anymore?

Lily: No not anymore. You can call me your Lily flower from this day forth, because it annoys the hell out of me.

James: Ok, my Lily flower.

James and Lily hug. And now they are suddenly friends. Yah Yah.

* * *

Yes, I know it's short and a bit random, but I liked it.

Leha- Much love sista. Maybe he'll shag me later. I just don't know. This story isn't thought out at all. Spur of the moment kind of thing.

Lisa- Lily is just that smart you know. It goes with her perfection.

Michelle- Hahahaha. Meha's fic is amazing. You can say BUMPS or PMS. I understand.

Lacienaga- I'm sorry you don't like it.

Jakey- I'm glad you crossed those emotional boundaries, and read your first HP fan fiction. If you actually read more besides my parody then you would understand this better. Oh well. Also, I went a night without seeing you. Crazy...

1# Fan, Sophi, little-angel123452000- Thanks for reading. I hope you like this chapter.


	3. The Cliffhanger Kiss

Author's note: This is short because I have like no free time. I just wanted to let everyone know that I myself am writing an actual Lily and James fan fiction that includes several of theses clichés, so don't think I'm insulting your story. If you look at my favorites, almost every cliché in this story is in one of those stories. I personally love L/J fan fiction including the clichés. I just don't want to offend people.

Also, several people asked me why I didn't delete the bad reviews on this story. The simple answer is I think that every single person has a right to their own opinion, so I want people to be able to see that not all the people that read my story liked it.

Now I'll stop blabbering and get to the story.

**Chapter 3: The Cliffhanger Kiss**

Hogwarts: Great Hall

Bella: Wow, that was so fast. We were like on the Hogwarts Express, and now we're in the Great Hall, Caa-Razy.

Mary Sue: Oh I don't care. _Sobs_. I'm emotionally unstable you see.

Bella: And how does that make you feel?

Mary Sue: Umm…emotional.

Bella: Wow, I would've never guessed.

Bella Gaps at Mary Sue for her crazy reasoning

Mary Sue: Wow, ok since we're totally boy crazy let's gossip about all of the ones that want us.

Bella: Ok. Well there is Bobby, Ted, Mike, Victor, Andrew, Chris, Will, the other Will, and Miles. There are more I just can't think of them off the top of my head.

Mary Sue: _ticks names off her finger._ There is Greg, Ryan, Kurt, Ben, Eli, Chase, Bryan, Travis, RJ and Eddie.

Bella: It's so wonderful to be loved err… wanted.

Mary Sue: Yah Yah, but I wish Remus would see how selfish he is being. We've been dating for a few months, so he needs to tell me all his secrets. Even though he doesn't know any of mine.

Bella: I know. He is being SO unreasonable.

Mary Sue: Now let's randomly cuss him out because we're mean like that. Plus we hold petty grudges and we have nothing better to do then rant, complain, and whine all day.

Bella: Claro! That was me going off in a random language. I speak 567 different ones you know.

Mary Sue: Wow, I only speak 146 languages. You're so much better then I am. _Sobs_

Bella: No, I'm not. Let's make fun of people in order to higher our self-esteem.

Mary Sue: Ok, only if it's Remus.

Bella: He is such a bloody wanker.

Mary Sue: Stupid git.

Bella: Wanker

Mary Sue: Git

Bella: wanker

Mary Sue: Git

Bella: Gosh I can't think of any other names that are British slang because I am not British.

Mary Sue; Sometimes I wonder how we both got all Os on our O.W.L.s

Bella: It's because we're so insufferably beautiful, and the test takers all fancied us.

Mary Sue: Shh…it's because we're smart.

Bella: Hey, I owe more the half credit to the bend and snap.

Mary Sue: Yeah, me too.

All of a sudden Lily walks into the great hall with Remus, Sirius, and James. Peter is nowhere to be seen because no one cares about him. The whole group sits around Mary Sue and Bella. And everyone smiles at their perfect ness and popularity.

Mary Sue: Hi, Remus. I'm still not talking to you.

Remus: you just did, but whatever I'll leave and go cry or something because I'm super sensitive like that.

Remus walks away.

Sirius: What a pleasure it is to be graced by the presence of such an exquisite woman,

Bella: _rolls eyes _Yeah, you too.

James: Ok, that was interesting though I rarely acknowledge other people besides Lily and myself because I like to dwell on my problems.

Lily: OMG! Me too. My life revolves around you and me.

Sirius: I'm too sexy to care about what you two are saying, so I'll leave and go find a quickie.

Bella: I'll leave too. I need my beauty sleep.

James: I think they left us alone for a reason.

Lily: Of course they did how else are we going to become best friends and fall in love slowly. Chimps, I'm working with chimps.

James: _Scratches head_ ok…

Lily: So how is your family?

James: strict and filthy rich. They're also the only pureblood family that doesn't care about birthright and I'm the heir of Gryffindor. You see either me or one of my descendants will defeat the heir of Slytherin.

Lily (silently sobbing): Oh no James. That's terrible.

James: Yeah, it's forced me to grow up sooner then I should.

Lily leans onto James' shoulder whilst crying

Lily: it's so unfair.

James pats Lily's back

James: I'm fine.

Lily: no you shouldn't have to live like that.

James: Look at you; you have a sister that has emotionally wrecked you. You act like you're on top of the world and you look like an amazing shag and all, but really you have a bleeding heart.

Lily: No one has ever said that to me before.

at this point in the story James leans in for a kiss and Lily kisses him back

And now I leave you with a cliffhanger because that is simply how things are done.

I don't have time to respond to reviews, but thanks for reading.


End file.
